The Secret Math of the Famous French Figure

It’s a Paris Poodle duty to discover the well kept secrets and rituals that only French women know to render them so irresistibly effortlessly sexy – another of my duties is to find a concrete, semi scientific reason why French women can stay so rakish whilst simultaneously having Europe’s highest baguette count?...

Here are my findings so far...

(0 Gym + 0 work out video) – exertion of any kind = Tiny, toned, slim French Mademoiselles

All across the nation, from Nice to Nantes, French women don’t exercise, they aren’t seen in high numbers jogging in local parks, the Ministry of Sound work out DVDs are frowned upon (perhaps rightly so!), and they certainly don’t go to the gym! Gyms hardly even exist over here and when they do they are painfully expensive and are seen as sweaty work houses – the type of place a jeune fille française or ‘Madame de’ doesn’t belong...

After only a few weeks, already I have been to half the underwear shops in Rue de Rennes, Place d’Italie and Les Gobelins with my effortlessly sex kittenish French flat mates who see underwear window shopping, as normal a past time as running, aerobics or painting ones nails....
This strictly French phenomena of lusting after costly lingerie as a means of relaxation is certainly seductive. Just picturing the female form in various combinations of silk, satin and lace not only makes you feel super feminine and whole heartedly glad that as a member of the female race you can wear such flirtatious clothing, but it also has the added advantage of suppressing the appetite. It has become clear to this Paris Poodle that Lingerie Lust is a national female sport -welcome to the French workout - the typically français way to be fabulously slim!

As I wondered the shelves and rails of Soleil et Sucre, Aubade and Etam, meandering the Parisian streets with my always too heavy, always trop des choses handbag to ‘se detendre’ (unwind) amongst the French knickers and lace bras of the top underwear designers I began to believe that it is the perfect way to stay toned and commit to a low calorie diet so that one can wear such tiny frivolous creations. This regime is best practiced twice a week (with a heavy handbag/small child or some other weight) with a daily half hour round trip to the bakery and back to pick up 2 baguettes – one for ce soir and one for the morning of course!

The Paris Poodle has come to believe that French baguettes have slimming powers – even the tiniest scraps of French ladies insist upon thrice daily portions of bread baguettes with heart stopping quantities of butter! It truly is a marvel. Perhaps I will simply surround myself with lithe French girls until some of their weight gaining defences become mine by the power of osmosis.

So, from these results the Paris Poodle can conclude that; Baguettes + Butter x Lingerie Shopping= Size 0

Although not strictly exercise related, even my little French bathroom has not escaped the French love of les fasses (buttocks). It has been decorated in a haphazard style with various lingerie adverts. As I sit on the loo to ‘faire pipi’ I am affronted by two perfectly peachy arse cheeks and just to my left generous cleavage greets me wearing a lacy creation. Perhaps it’s just my flat mates but I like to think that it’s the French nation that is unashamedly fascinated by the female form, its curves and shapes.

As long as women are women they will competitively try to out slim and out sexify each other. Since arriving here I have had to find new alternative ways to feel my normal taille - in this city my slim size 10 is practically monstrous amongst the size zerolites that inhabit Paris en masse. As a Paris Poodle I have resolved to up my handbag weight by 2 kilos, my baguette intake to 3 a day, my lingerie lusting to 4 times a week and a monthly tour of the Champs Elysees to exercise my credit cards! You should try it too! It’s so much more elegant than the perspiration humiliation of the gym- je t’assure. Vive la France!